Uncategorized, Update

I hate myself. 

I always try to promote positivity and self love. I smile, laugh and pretend that everything is fine and that I live a normal, happy life. But that’s far from the truth.

As much as I try and convince myself otherwise, I hate myself. I very strongly, whole heartedly, hate myself. I find myself disgusting, repulsive and just an absolute mess of a human being. 

Sure, I know that I’m a good person, but my body is something that I just completely loathe. I can honestly say there isn’t one part of my body that I like, apart from my right eyebrow in a mirrored image if that counts. 

I’ve spent night after night searching online how to lose weight, what the best methods are, what the new fads are, and even whether I should just starve myself. I sit on the internet for hours, lost and completely numb. No matter what I do now, it doesn’t work. In late 2015 I lost a lot of weight and was happy, but here I am, just over a year later and a whopping 5 stone heavier, disgusted at myself for what I have become. 

I hate myself. 

Goodbye for now little buns, hopefully I can make a change 

Advertisements
Standard
Uncategorized

A poem(?) 

I’m struggling, but I won’t say a word.

I’m falling to pieces, but I’ll smile and laugh.

The tears are rolling down my cheeks, but I won’t make a sound.

My mind and body are exhausted, but I’m always here to help. 

I’m terrified of tomorrow, but  I’ll never let you down. 

My days are filled with self hatred, but I’ll always tell you to love yourself. 

I can barely make it through the day, but I’ll always make sure you get through yours. 

I relapsed again, but I’ll never tell.

I want to tell you how much this hurts, but I can’t.   

Standard
advice, Uncategorized

You are not your mind

I’ve been watching a lot of videos explaining that you are not your mind, but in a sense that,  that lil tiny shitty voice inside your head that says all those bad things about you and other people, isn’t you. Sure it might feel like that sometimes and you might even believe it or agree with it, but you don’t have to. You are so much more than your mind, your conscious is a great thing and you can be in control. Meditating for 5minutes+ a day can really help you to disconnect from that mean voice in your head and connect to you and what you want/need. There is actually a lot of videos on YouTube to help you meditate, and the more you do it, the better you feel. Inner happiness is something that takes time to build up, but even the journey is so rewarding. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling and I’ve only been properly into it for the past couple of weeks. I would 100% recommend looking into it and The Messy Effect on YouTube. It’s like some sort of realisation that comes with instant hope. Anyway I’ll keep you guys updated and I hope you start your journey to inner happiness and peace. 

Goodbye for now little buns 

Standard
advice, how to, Uncategorized

How to; be happy 

Okay so let’s just like chill for a sec. Whatever may be going on, or whatever you are worrying about, forget it, block that out of you memory just for a sec. Now, soak up your surroundings. I mean I’m in work but we have really bright and matching highlighters that make everything look lovely, people playing all kinds of instruments at all different levels of ability, and a glimpse of the trees outside. For just a second, you can make all those little things matter, you can appreciate them and think about how everything that you do is ultimately your choice and we are so small and insignificant in proportion to the rest of the world. You have to appreciate everything, let yourself  smile at the simplest of things, it’s okay to be happy. So many people are negative about people’s looks, interests, and even the fact that they seem to be getting some sort of joy out of life but that doesn’t reflect on you, it reflects on them. Be that person who smiles at strangers, pulls funny faces at babies, smells the flowers on their journey home; make the most of your surroundings, even if it takes you 10 minutes to think of something even slightly positive. If you constantly tell yourself everything is awful, it most likely will be, but if you have a positive mindset and lift your mood, I can guarantee it makes things SO much easier. Do things for yourself, not for someone else. You matter, you are important, and you need to be happy. You only get one life (supposedly), live it how YOU want to. Be positive, be accepting, and be happy. I may still have 3 and a half hours left of work but I’m fortunate to have a job, with some great people, and be able to watch children and adults learn. And I can just picture giving my boyfriend a great big hug when I get home! Goodbye for now little buns, much love 

Standard
advice

Going it alone..

On Thursday I had my last therapy session, my last one! And although I am over the moon it is kind of daunting knowing that you don’t have someone there to rely on and offload all of your problemos on to. So, what do you do about it? 

Well simply, just don’t care. Like literally try to not give a sh*t about a single thing. That guy who asked you out has now gone back on it and is being an asshole- who cares? Not me. You accidentally punched yourself in the face again and now your nose looks disgusting?? Yeah I actually don’t care about that either, although it does kind of hurt a bit. 

You have to ask yourself if it is really worth getting sad, angry or frustrated etc at. Because let’s be honest, I can’t be the only one who has dropped something on a bad day and started balling my eyes  out. 

If it’s not worth your feelings, get rid of them. I mean yeah it’s easier said than done but life is so much easier when you don’t have a dark cloud hanging over your head. 

I wasn’t really sure where I was going with this post and I don’t really know where I have ended up but yeah you are brilliant and I hope you have a great day. 

I might do another post later, who knows. Goodbye for now little buns!

Standard
advice

Recovery

Now, I don’t want to make this post a tear jerker, but over the past week I have had so many lovely people telling me how much I have changed since I started therapy and medication. Those helping hands have made it so much easier to put into practice what I have learnt so I thought I would give you some tips on your road to recovery, whatever it may be that you are recovering from!

  1. Fake it till you make it– I cannot stress enough how much this has helped me, pretending to be happy, confident, relaxed will slowly but surely make you believe that you are happy, confident and relaxed. Until this weekend just gone,  I had never been and had no intentions of going to town, but I did, I pretended I was 100% okay with it and do you know what? I was!
  2. Allow yourself to have feelings– it is okay to be upset, nervous, stressed or angry. And that doesn’t mean that you are back at square one, some times life just hits you in the face and you need to let yourself act how you really feel. Faking being happy is great (as said above) but don’t just bottle up your feelings entirely, sometimes you need to let it all out, and it is only human.
  3. Do good deeds– I don’t know about you but I feel so happy when other people are happy, and especially if I am the cause of that happiness. Doing good for others does good for yourself.
  4. Be a little selfish sometimes– I struggle with this one because I like to be nice and helpful 24/7, even if I am the one worse off. But sometimes you have to take into account how you feel and do what is best for you, because after all you are the most important person in your life.
  5. Balance– there needs to be a good balance between work, rest and play. Some people are okay with working 5, 6 days a week, but for me, 3 or 4 is a struggle. The main thing is that I am working enough for my balance, I need more rest than others and that is okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
  6. Don’t compare yourself to others– other people aren’t going through the same things that you are, you are doing the best that you can and that IS good enough. You don’t need to match what other people are doing, do what is best for you.
  7. Plan– if I know I’m feeling a bit sluggish, and especially if I have things to do, I will plan my day. Whether that be stupidly detailed or just very vague I will give myself a check list of what needs doing and do it. If I don’t, that’s okay too.
  8. Remember the little things– you can always pull something positive out of your day, whether that be that you ate a really nice strawberry or you won the lottery, always finish your day on a good note.
  9. Spend time with people who love you– they care about you and want to see you happy, so when you spend time with them they will lift your spirits which will in turn lift theirs.
  10. It’s okay to ask for help– whether your hours or months into recovery, it’s okay to ask for help. Don’t struggle in silence just because you don’t want to disturb anyone, that is what they are there for.

I hope that this post helped someone out there, you, yes you, are amazing- goodbye for now little buns!

youtube

Standard
Uncategorized

How to: Curly blow dry

Hi everyone! Today I am going to be showing you how to do a curly blow dry at home- and just as a word of warning, this will take a while so if you’re like me and very impatient, with very thick hair, you’re best just to blast it off and curl it.

You will need-

1. To wash your hair

DSC_0206

If anyone is interested I used the Aussie Miracle Moist shampoo & conditioner and my herbal essences bee strong masque!
I also really should have cropped my face out I mean what the hell Chloe.

2. LOADS OF PRODUCTS WOOHOO

DSC_0218

Okay like three, but whatever. I used my Mane ‘n’ tail hair strengthener because we all know my hair needs a lil TLC. I then used the cloud nine quick dry potion (also a heat protector) for obvious reasons and then my ‘argan oil of morocco’ because it says that it is a penetrating oil rather than the normal ones that just coat your hair so I mean why not.

3) Brushes

DSC_0219

Erm I only just realised that I have lost my 14 so I am just going for the whole uneven naturalish look now- and to do that I’m using my 13 and 15 brushes by Head jog. I would really recommend these brushes because they are ceramic so they heat up and act like rollers too!

4. A trusty clip (and some bobby pins)

DSC_0220

I really like to use these clips by Cloud nine because they are strong. One can hold up all of my hair- and I have a lot of hair.

5. A hair dryer (duh)

DSC_0221

I use this one by Haito purely because it came in my kit when I was in college but I actually really like it. I like that it has 3 heat settings, as well as a cool setting and 2 speeds- and the fast one is REALLY fast. The only thing is that the back seems to fall off a lot but I just stuck a piece of cellotape over it as I will only need to remove it when I’m cleaning it.

LETS BEGIN.

Firstly you just want to blast off your hair a little bit just so that you aren’t starting with soaking wet hair.

1a

Then, section off the bottom section of your hair and split it in to two. Place your brush underneath the section of hair and move downwards (like you would when you brush your hair..) whilst rotating the brush and follow it with your hair dryer. I wouldn’t advice placing your nozzle directly onto your hair because that could cause some damage. Then as you get to the ends of your hair, make sure that you have a grip on them and rotate the brush so that your hair rolls round it, be careful not to get tangled up in this bit- when I was younger I had to cut a brush out of my hair, I know the feels.

1b

1c

1d

You can redo this as many times as you need to so that your hair is dry and you have a bouncy curl- obviously with a smaller brush you are going to get a tighter curl so I like to change brush size with each section so that the curls don’t form together.

DSC_0209

Leave your brush in to let it cool and then unroll it and ‘reroll’ it into a (very rough) pin curl so that the curls don’t drop whilst you are blow drying the rest of your hair.

For the back/top sections, still place your brush underneath the hair but direct it forwards, over your head and towards your face, this will give your hair more volume and will make it easier to blow dry the sections that are riiiiight at the back of your head

DSC_0215

DSC_0216

Once you’re done you should look like a mad wo/man. You can leave the pin curls in whilst you do your make up or watch another episode of Ru Pauls Drag Race however I had to take these out pretty much straight away as my friend was coming over. Once you’re done you should be left with something like this

DSC_0217

I hope you enjoyed this how to! And to those wondering where I’ve been the past few weeks (again- I know, I’m sorry) everything’s been quite difficult whilst I’m waiting for my new therapist and I have had a complete mental block when it comes to thinking of a new post, and when I think of something I always talk myself out of it and convince myself that it will be boring but this time I thought NOPE I’M GONNA DO IT.

Sooo yeah- also, I had to get rid of my hamster because I’m allergic to it (or its wee)

it was called Peaches for two weeks until I handed her over to my cousin so that I can still go and see her! However my Mum said I can get guinea pigs as they are kept outside rather than right next to my head! Until next time- goodbye for now little buns!

Standard