Uncategorized, Update

It’s been a long time.. (Update)

Hi, I don’t remember last time I was on here, nor do I want to look. I know I enjoy writing, but it takes a lot of motivation to start. I’m not making any promises to myself, but I will just write when I want to, or when I need to.

I finished college, so I am finally a qualified makeup artist, but I’m struggling to get a job at the minute as I have no retail experience and unfortunately that is looked more highly upon, no matter your qualifications. However I am thinking of going to University next September to study Creative Makeup, and actually get a degree, which I never thought would happen!

I’ve started therapy again, for the fourth time, and hoping that I feel better and get taught better coping mechanisms for when I’m finished.

Tomorrow it is mine and my boyfriends 2 year anniversary and I couldn’t be more grateful to have someone who understands me and supports me through everything. Even in my darkest hours, he’s always there. A lot of people talk about love like its absolutely perfect, but it’s not. You have your little spats here and there, and go through some tough shit, but you do it together, and still love each other just as much.

I’m also raising money for my friend and his brother by shaving my hair off on the 27th of November! If you would like to read about their story and donate click here! Any donation will help so much, whether its £1 or £10.

Other than that, I don’t really know much of what I’m doing right now, but that’s okay. I don’t need to have a plan for everything.

Goodbye for now little buns.

 

 

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Uncategorized, Update

I hate myself. 

I always try to promote positivity and self love. I smile, laugh and pretend that everything is fine and that I live a normal, happy life. But that’s far from the truth.

As much as I try and convince myself otherwise, I hate myself. I very strongly, whole heartedly, hate myself. I find myself disgusting, repulsive and just an absolute mess of a human being. 

Sure, I know that I’m a good person, but my body is something that I just completely loathe. I can honestly say there isn’t one part of my body that I like, apart from my right eyebrow in a mirrored image if that counts. 

I’ve spent night after night searching online how to lose weight, what the best methods are, what the new fads are, and even whether I should just starve myself. I sit on the internet for hours, lost and completely numb. No matter what I do now, it doesn’t work. In late 2015 I lost a lot of weight and was happy, but here I am, just over a year later and a whopping 5 stone heavier, disgusted at myself for what I have become. 

I hate myself. 

Goodbye for now little buns, hopefully I can make a change 

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Uncategorized

A poem(?) 

I’m struggling, but I won’t say a word.

I’m falling to pieces, but I’ll smile and laugh.

The tears are rolling down my cheeks, but I won’t make a sound.

My mind and body are exhausted, but I’m always here to help. 

I’m terrified of tomorrow, but  I’ll never let you down. 

My days are filled with self hatred, but I’ll always tell you to love yourself. 

I can barely make it through the day, but I’ll always make sure you get through yours. 

I relapsed again, but I’ll never tell.

I want to tell you how much this hurts, but I can’t.   

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advice, Uncategorized

You are not your mind

I’ve been watching a lot of videos explaining that you are not your mind, but in a sense that,  that lil tiny shitty voice inside your head that says all those bad things about you and other people, isn’t you. Sure it might feel like that sometimes and you might even believe it or agree with it, but you don’t have to. You are so much more than your mind, your conscious is a great thing and you can be in control. Meditating for 5minutes+ a day can really help you to disconnect from that mean voice in your head and connect to you and what you want/need. There is actually a lot of videos on YouTube to help you meditate, and the more you do it, the better you feel. Inner happiness is something that takes time to build up, but even the journey is so rewarding. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling and I’ve only been properly into it for the past couple of weeks. I would 100% recommend looking into it and The Messy Effect on YouTube. It’s like some sort of realisation that comes with instant hope. Anyway I’ll keep you guys updated and I hope you start your journey to inner happiness and peace. 

Goodbye for now little buns 

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advice, how to, Uncategorized

How to; be happy 

Okay so let’s just like chill for a sec. Whatever may be going on, or whatever you are worrying about, forget it, block that out of you memory just for a sec. Now, soak up your surroundings. I mean I’m in work but we have really bright and matching highlighters that make everything look lovely, people playing all kinds of instruments at all different levels of ability, and a glimpse of the trees outside. For just a second, you can make all those little things matter, you can appreciate them and think about how everything that you do is ultimately your choice and we are so small and insignificant in proportion to the rest of the world. You have to appreciate everything, let yourself  smile at the simplest of things, it’s okay to be happy. So many people are negative about people’s looks, interests, and even the fact that they seem to be getting some sort of joy out of life but that doesn’t reflect on you, it reflects on them. Be that person who smiles at strangers, pulls funny faces at babies, smells the flowers on their journey home; make the most of your surroundings, even if it takes you 10 minutes to think of something even slightly positive. If you constantly tell yourself everything is awful, it most likely will be, but if you have a positive mindset and lift your mood, I can guarantee it makes things SO much easier. Do things for yourself, not for someone else. You matter, you are important, and you need to be happy. You only get one life (supposedly), live it how YOU want to. Be positive, be accepting, and be happy. I may still have 3 and a half hours left of work but I’m fortunate to have a job, with some great people, and be able to watch children and adults learn. And I can just picture giving my boyfriend a great big hug when I get home! Goodbye for now little buns, much love 

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advice

Going it alone..

On Thursday I had my last therapy session, my last one! And although I am over the moon it is kind of daunting knowing that you don’t have someone there to rely on and offload all of your problemos on to. So, what do you do about it? 

Well simply, just don’t care. Like literally try to not give a sh*t about a single thing. That guy who asked you out has now gone back on it and is being an asshole- who cares? Not me. You accidentally punched yourself in the face again and now your nose looks disgusting?? Yeah I actually don’t care about that either, although it does kind of hurt a bit. 

You have to ask yourself if it is really worth getting sad, angry or frustrated etc at. Because let’s be honest, I can’t be the only one who has dropped something on a bad day and started balling my eyes  out. 

If it’s not worth your feelings, get rid of them. I mean yeah it’s easier said than done but life is so much easier when you don’t have a dark cloud hanging over your head. 

I wasn’t really sure where I was going with this post and I don’t really know where I have ended up but yeah you are brilliant and I hope you have a great day. 

I might do another post later, who knows. Goodbye for now little buns!

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advice

Recovery

Now, I don’t want to make this post a tear jerker, but over the past week I have had so many lovely people telling me how much I have changed since I started therapy and medication. Those helping hands have made it so much easier to put into practice what I have learnt so I thought I would give you some tips on your road to recovery, whatever it may be that you are recovering from!

  1. Fake it till you make it– I cannot stress enough how much this has helped me, pretending to be happy, confident, relaxed will slowly but surely make you believe that you are happy, confident and relaxed. Until this weekend just gone,  I had never been and had no intentions of going to town, but I did, I pretended I was 100% okay with it and do you know what? I was!
  2. Allow yourself to have feelings– it is okay to be upset, nervous, stressed or angry. And that doesn’t mean that you are back at square one, some times life just hits you in the face and you need to let yourself act how you really feel. Faking being happy is great (as said above) but don’t just bottle up your feelings entirely, sometimes you need to let it all out, and it is only human.
  3. Do good deeds– I don’t know about you but I feel so happy when other people are happy, and especially if I am the cause of that happiness. Doing good for others does good for yourself.
  4. Be a little selfish sometimes– I struggle with this one because I like to be nice and helpful 24/7, even if I am the one worse off. But sometimes you have to take into account how you feel and do what is best for you, because after all you are the most important person in your life.
  5. Balance– there needs to be a good balance between work, rest and play. Some people are okay with working 5, 6 days a week, but for me, 3 or 4 is a struggle. The main thing is that I am working enough for my balance, I need more rest than others and that is okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
  6. Don’t compare yourself to others– other people aren’t going through the same things that you are, you are doing the best that you can and that IS good enough. You don’t need to match what other people are doing, do what is best for you.
  7. Plan– if I know I’m feeling a bit sluggish, and especially if I have things to do, I will plan my day. Whether that be stupidly detailed or just very vague I will give myself a check list of what needs doing and do it. If I don’t, that’s okay too.
  8. Remember the little things– you can always pull something positive out of your day, whether that be that you ate a really nice strawberry or you won the lottery, always finish your day on a good note.
  9. Spend time with people who love you– they care about you and want to see you happy, so when you spend time with them they will lift your spirits which will in turn lift theirs.
  10. It’s okay to ask for help– whether your hours or months into recovery, it’s okay to ask for help. Don’t struggle in silence just because you don’t want to disturb anyone, that is what they are there for.

I hope that this post helped someone out there, you, yes you, are amazing- goodbye for now little buns!

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