Uncategorized, Update

I hate myself. 

I always try to promote positivity and self love. I smile, laugh and pretend that everything is fine and that I live a normal, happy life. But that’s far from the truth.

As much as I try and convince myself otherwise, I hate myself. I very strongly, whole heartedly, hate myself. I find myself disgusting, repulsive and just an absolute mess of a human being. 

Sure, I know that I’m a good person, but my body is something that I just completely loathe. I can honestly say there isn’t one part of my body that I like, apart from my right eyebrow in a mirrored image if that counts. 

I’ve spent night after night searching online how to lose weight, what the best methods are, what the new fads are, and even whether I should just starve myself. I sit on the internet for hours, lost and completely numb. No matter what I do now, it doesn’t work. In late 2015 I lost a lot of weight and was happy, but here I am, just over a year later and a whopping 5 stone heavier, disgusted at myself for what I have become. 

I hate myself. 

Goodbye for now little buns, hopefully I can make a change 

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Uncategorized

A poem(?) 

I’m struggling, but I won’t say a word.

I’m falling to pieces, but I’ll smile and laugh.

The tears are rolling down my cheeks, but I won’t make a sound.

My mind and body are exhausted, but I’m always here to help. 

I’m terrified of tomorrow, but  I’ll never let you down. 

My days are filled with self hatred, but I’ll always tell you to love yourself. 

I can barely make it through the day, but I’ll always make sure you get through yours. 

I relapsed again, but I’ll never tell.

I want to tell you how much this hurts, but I can’t.   

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advice, Uncategorized

You are not your mind

I’ve been watching a lot of videos explaining that you are not your mind, but in a sense that,  that lil tiny shitty voice inside your head that says all those bad things about you and other people, isn’t you. Sure it might feel like that sometimes and you might even believe it or agree with it, but you don’t have to. You are so much more than your mind, your conscious is a great thing and you can be in control. Meditating for 5minutes+ a day can really help you to disconnect from that mean voice in your head and connect to you and what you want/need. There is actually a lot of videos on YouTube to help you meditate, and the more you do it, the better you feel. Inner happiness is something that takes time to build up, but even the journey is so rewarding. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling and I’ve only been properly into it for the past couple of weeks. I would 100% recommend looking into it and The Messy Effect on YouTube. It’s like some sort of realisation that comes with instant hope. Anyway I’ll keep you guys updated and I hope you start your journey to inner happiness and peace. 

Goodbye for now little buns 

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advice

Going it alone..

On Thursday I had my last therapy session, my last one! And although I am over the moon it is kind of daunting knowing that you don’t have someone there to rely on and offload all of your problemos on to. So, what do you do about it? 

Well simply, just don’t care. Like literally try to not give a sh*t about a single thing. That guy who asked you out has now gone back on it and is being an asshole- who cares? Not me. You accidentally punched yourself in the face again and now your nose looks disgusting?? Yeah I actually don’t care about that either, although it does kind of hurt a bit. 

You have to ask yourself if it is really worth getting sad, angry or frustrated etc at. Because let’s be honest, I can’t be the only one who has dropped something on a bad day and started balling my eyes  out. 

If it’s not worth your feelings, get rid of them. I mean yeah it’s easier said than done but life is so much easier when you don’t have a dark cloud hanging over your head. 

I wasn’t really sure where I was going with this post and I don’t really know where I have ended up but yeah you are brilliant and I hope you have a great day. 

I might do another post later, who knows. Goodbye for now little buns!

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Recovery

Now, I don’t want to make this post a tear jerker, but over the past week I have had so many lovely people telling me how much I have changed since I started therapy and medication. Those helping hands have made it so much easier to put into practice what I have learnt so I thought I would give you some tips on your road to recovery, whatever it may be that you are recovering from!

  1. Fake it till you make it– I cannot stress enough how much this has helped me, pretending to be happy, confident, relaxed will slowly but surely make you believe that you are happy, confident and relaxed. Until this weekend just gone,  I had never been and had no intentions of going to town, but I did, I pretended I was 100% okay with it and do you know what? I was!
  2. Allow yourself to have feelings– it is okay to be upset, nervous, stressed or angry. And that doesn’t mean that you are back at square one, some times life just hits you in the face and you need to let yourself act how you really feel. Faking being happy is great (as said above) but don’t just bottle up your feelings entirely, sometimes you need to let it all out, and it is only human.
  3. Do good deeds– I don’t know about you but I feel so happy when other people are happy, and especially if I am the cause of that happiness. Doing good for others does good for yourself.
  4. Be a little selfish sometimes– I struggle with this one because I like to be nice and helpful 24/7, even if I am the one worse off. But sometimes you have to take into account how you feel and do what is best for you, because after all you are the most important person in your life.
  5. Balance– there needs to be a good balance between work, rest and play. Some people are okay with working 5, 6 days a week, but for me, 3 or 4 is a struggle. The main thing is that I am working enough for my balance, I need more rest than others and that is okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
  6. Don’t compare yourself to others– other people aren’t going through the same things that you are, you are doing the best that you can and that IS good enough. You don’t need to match what other people are doing, do what is best for you.
  7. Plan– if I know I’m feeling a bit sluggish, and especially if I have things to do, I will plan my day. Whether that be stupidly detailed or just very vague I will give myself a check list of what needs doing and do it. If I don’t, that’s okay too.
  8. Remember the little things– you can always pull something positive out of your day, whether that be that you ate a really nice strawberry or you won the lottery, always finish your day on a good note.
  9. Spend time with people who love you– they care about you and want to see you happy, so when you spend time with them they will lift your spirits which will in turn lift theirs.
  10. It’s okay to ask for help– whether your hours or months into recovery, it’s okay to ask for help. Don’t struggle in silence just because you don’t want to disturb anyone, that is what they are there for.

I hope that this post helped someone out there, you, yes you, are amazing- goodbye for now little buns!

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Uncategorized

How to: Curly blow dry

Hi everyone! Today I am going to be showing you how to do a curly blow dry at home- and just as a word of warning, this will take a while so if you’re like me and very impatient, with very thick hair, you’re best just to blast it off and curl it.

You will need-

1. To wash your hair

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If anyone is interested I used the Aussie Miracle Moist shampoo & conditioner and my herbal essences bee strong masque!
I also really should have cropped my face out I mean what the hell Chloe.

2. LOADS OF PRODUCTS WOOHOO

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Okay like three, but whatever. I used my Mane ‘n’ tail hair strengthener because we all know my hair needs a lil TLC. I then used the cloud nine quick dry potion (also a heat protector) for obvious reasons and then my ‘argan oil of morocco’ because it says that it is a penetrating oil rather than the normal ones that just coat your hair so I mean why not.

3) Brushes

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Erm I only just realised that I have lost my 14 so I am just going for the whole uneven naturalish look now- and to do that I’m using my 13 and 15 brushes by Head jog. I would really recommend these brushes because they are ceramic so they heat up and act like rollers too!

4. A trusty clip (and some bobby pins)

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I really like to use these clips by Cloud nine because they are strong. One can hold up all of my hair- and I have a lot of hair.

5. A hair dryer (duh)

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I use this one by Haito purely because it came in my kit when I was in college but I actually really like it. I like that it has 3 heat settings, as well as a cool setting and 2 speeds- and the fast one is REALLY fast. The only thing is that the back seems to fall off a lot but I just stuck a piece of cellotape over it as I will only need to remove it when I’m cleaning it.

LETS BEGIN.

Firstly you just want to blast off your hair a little bit just so that you aren’t starting with soaking wet hair.

1a

Then, section off the bottom section of your hair and split it in to two. Place your brush underneath the section of hair and move downwards (like you would when you brush your hair..) whilst rotating the brush and follow it with your hair dryer. I wouldn’t advice placing your nozzle directly onto your hair because that could cause some damage. Then as you get to the ends of your hair, make sure that you have a grip on them and rotate the brush so that your hair rolls round it, be careful not to get tangled up in this bit- when I was younger I had to cut a brush out of my hair, I know the feels.

1b

1c

1d

You can redo this as many times as you need to so that your hair is dry and you have a bouncy curl- obviously with a smaller brush you are going to get a tighter curl so I like to change brush size with each section so that the curls don’t form together.

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Leave your brush in to let it cool and then unroll it and ‘reroll’ it into a (very rough) pin curl so that the curls don’t drop whilst you are blow drying the rest of your hair.

For the back/top sections, still place your brush underneath the hair but direct it forwards, over your head and towards your face, this will give your hair more volume and will make it easier to blow dry the sections that are riiiiight at the back of your head

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Once you’re done you should look like a mad wo/man. You can leave the pin curls in whilst you do your make up or watch another episode of Ru Pauls Drag Race however I had to take these out pretty much straight away as my friend was coming over. Once you’re done you should be left with something like this

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I hope you enjoyed this how to! And to those wondering where I’ve been the past few weeks (again- I know, I’m sorry) everything’s been quite difficult whilst I’m waiting for my new therapist and I have had a complete mental block when it comes to thinking of a new post, and when I think of something I always talk myself out of it and convince myself that it will be boring but this time I thought NOPE I’M GONNA DO IT.

Sooo yeah- also, I had to get rid of my hamster because I’m allergic to it (or its wee)

it was called Peaches for two weeks until I handed her over to my cousin so that I can still go and see her! However my Mum said I can get guinea pigs as they are kept outside rather than right next to my head! Until next time- goodbye for now little buns!

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how to, review

How to & review: Eylure Pro Brow dye kit

Hi everyone! Today I tinted my eyebrows so I thought I would make a post on it I mean, why not? I have used this a couple times and also done my Mums eyebrows with it so I felt like now was a good time.

As you all know I do suffer from bald spots in my eyebrows, its a horrible disease that many people are effected by but it can be disguised and tinting those almost white hairs that  are the only things that sit in your bald spots is absolutely necessary.

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It comes with the colour, the activator, a little white stick which I just use to mix it together and a handy dandy spoolie which helps for a quick and easy application.

Me being me, I lost the instructions a while back, so I just use the “sensitivity test” on the back of the box as a guideline. It says to mix 1cm of colour with 3 drops of the activator so I did just over 1cm with 4 drops because I like to really slap it on- like this…

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I just use the spoolie to comb it through my brows and then clean up with a cotton bud if necessary. I think I left it for 5 minutes last time which for me wasn’t enough, so this time I left it for 7 minutes before washing it off with a flannel and warm water. It doesn’t really stain your skin so don’t worry to much if your application was a little messy, like mine.

eylure tint

Et voila! My brows still look natural but a lot fuller, which is what I am after! And I know its hard to tell in the photo but the tail of my brow is a lot more visible! And I don’t quite know why my face is so red on the first picture but it does kind of make my bald spots harder to make out, which I didn’t notice until now- well done Chloe, well done.

The actual colour of them is a lot more of a rich, warm brown rather than a mousey, dirty brown- which is always nice! It also makes it a lot easier when I am colouring my eyebrows in. It lasts for up to 6 weeks which is great as we all know I am super lazy so I can just forget about them for a month and a half!

The tint doesn’t really have any smell to it so it won’t make you hesitate before putting it on your face. I think the kit cost me £7 but it will probably last me until near the end of this year so I don’t really mind at all!

Overall I would definitely buy it again and would recommend it to anyone who is looking for an easy eyebrow tint to do at home!

Now- a little explanation as to where I have been the past few weeks.. About 2 weeks ago I had a talk with my boss about college and told her how it makes me feel uncomfortable and I panic and panic about it from Tuesday to Sunday. I also had to tell her about my treatment I am getting and exactly what for and how that is making college even more difficult to attend. Luckily she is very understanding and kind and has offered me part time work, starting this week, while they look for another apprentice, so last week I was in work 5 days, sorting out avon, going to my therapist and still trying to see friends and go to rehearsals, hence the very short post! I was also supposed to have my last therapy session the other day but my scores are still too high so I have to go on another waiting list to see someone who is higher up and can offer me more sessions that are longer too! So everything has been pretty hectic but everything should be back to normal now!

If you managed to make it to the end of all my waffling then well done! I hope you all have a great week and take care of yourselves, good bye for now little buns!

PS. I think I might get a Hamster

PSS. What should I call it? My last one was called flump so if you can think of any cute, weird names then I would be super grateful if you left them in the comments below.

PSSS. Look out for my lil hammy on my instagram and probs in my next post!! Okay I’m leaving now…

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